ADHD and Social Masking: Why Pretending Everything Is Fine Can Be Exhausting

Most people with ADHD know what it feels like to mask, although some people will experience it much more than others. If you aren't sure what it actually looks like, then carry on reading below..

What Does ADHD Masking Look Like?

When you're around other people, it can feel as though you are performing rather than simply being yourself. You might find yourself concentrating hard on looking as though you are listening intently, even when your thoughts have drifted elsewhere. Sometimes you might mentally rehearse what you are going to say before making a phone call, going into a meeting, or speaking to someone you don't know particularly well.

You might also find yourself trying not to interrupt, carefully monitoring what you say, copying how other people behave, or working particularly hard to appear organised and in control when your brain feels anything but.

If you frequently find yourself doing these things, it is often described as ADHD masking or social camouflaging. Essentially, it means hiding, suppressing, or compensating for certain traits in order to fit in, avoid judgement or prevent other people from noticing your difficulties.

Why Is ADHD Masking So Exhausting?

What makes masking so draining is that the immense amount of effort involved remains entirely invisible to everyone else around you.

To them, you simply look like someone who is paying attention, behaving appropriately and holding it all together. They don't see the concentration involved in following the conversation, remembering what you wanted to say, stopping yourself from interrupting and constantly monitoring your own behaviour.

You may not even realise how much effort you are putting in until you finally get home and feel completely exhausted.

This is one reason why someone can appear to cope extremely well in social situations while feeling very different internally.

Do We Need to Stop Masking?

I don't think the answer is to simply tell people to stop masking - some masking is actually useful, and we all adapt our behaviour depending on the situation, whether we are at work, meeting someone for the first time, or trying to be considerate of the people around us.

The more useful question is whether your behaviour is helping you feel comfortable and safe, or whether it has become such a habit that you are hiding parts of yourself even when you don't need to.

If you have been masking for years, you may not even know where the line is anymore.

How Can You Start Reducing ADHD Masking?

No one expects you to suddenly "unmask" all at once. Many people have been doing this for decades, so it isn't something you can simply decide to stop doing overnight.

Instead, you could try making a few small changes in situations where you already feel comfortable and see whether they make a difference.

For example, you could:

• Ask for written instructions rather than pretending you've remembered everything.

• Spend time with someone you don't have to edit yourself around, where you can be more relaxed about your ADHD traits.

• Use a small fidget during meetings, even if you need to keep it in your pocket.

• Admit when you've lost track of a conversation and ask someone to repeat what they said.

• Take a short break when you can feel yourself becoming mentally overloaded, rather than waiting until you are completely exhausted.

• Stop automatically apologising every time you forget something, need clarification or lose your train of thought.

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You don't have to make these changes everywhere, and you certainly don't have to explain yourself to everyone. The idea is simply to notice where you might be able to take some of the effort out of constantly monitoring yourself.

You Don't Have to Hide Your ADHD All the Time

One of the most useful things you can do is start noticing where you feel most comfortable being yourself.

Who can you talk to without worrying about whether you are interrupting? Who can you admit you've forgotten something to without feeling embarrassed? Where can you let your attention wander for a moment without immediately worrying about how you look?

Those situations can tell you a lot about where you feel comfortable and where you are still working incredibly hard to appear as though everything is fine.

You may not be able to remove the mask completely, and you don't necessarily need to. However, learning when you are masking, why you are doing it and where you can safely let yourself relax a little can make a surprisingly big difference to how exhausting everyday interactions feel.