Avoidance and ADHD

Why avoidance, guilt and unfinished tasks can make replying feel harder than it should

I realised something about myself recently - sometimes I ghost my own PA.

She’ll send me a message asking for something simple, such as a decision, a document I said I’d send, or a quick answer to something so she can move forward. I read it, think “I’ll do that in a minute”, and then of course something else grabs my attention and it slips out of my mind.

Later she follows up.

By that point I haven’t done the first thing she asked for, and replying suddenly feels much harder than it should. Instead of just saying I haven’t done it yet, I start feeling guilty about the fact that I haven’t done it. So I avoid the message again.

The longer it sits there, the more uncomfortable it feels.

And before long, something that started as a very small task feels massive.

The uncomfortable cycle of avoidance

When people talk about ghosting, they usually mean ignoring someone in a friendship or relationship. But a quieter version of ghosting happens all the time in work and everyday life.

Many people with ADHD experience a very familiar cycle:

1. A message or task comes in

2. You plan to deal with it shortly

3. Something interrupts your focus

4. Time passes

5. The person follows up

6. You feel guilty that you haven’t done it yet

7. Avoidance kicks in

At that point the problem is no longer the task itself - the real barrier becomes the emotional weight attached to it.

Replying means acknowledging that you didn’t do the thing you said you would do, and for many ADHD brains, that tiny moment of discomfort is enough to make us delay it again.

ADHD, avoidance and “object permanence”

Part of what is happening here is a kind of mental hiding.

If I don’t reply to the message, it almost feels like the task is not fully real yet. It sits slightly outside my awareness, which makes it easier to carry on with everything else I am doing.

It is a bit like closing a cupboard door so you don’t have to see the mess inside!

However the task does not disappear - it just sits quietly in the background, gradually growing into something that feels much bigger than it actually is.

This is one of the ways ADHD can turn very small pieces of admin into things we avoid completely.

A simple way to break the cycle

One thing I am trying to remind myself is that a late reply is always better than no reply.

Most of the time the honest message is enough, a simple "sorry, I dropped the ball on this. I’ll sort it today.”

That single sentence resets the situation - no long explanation, no complicated justification, just acknowledging it and moving forward.

More often than not, the other person is perfectly understanding; the task only becomes bigger in our own heads.

If you’ve been avoiding a message

If you have a message sitting in your inbox that you have been avoiding because it now feels awkward or overdue, you are definitely not alone.

ADHD brains are very good at turning small unfinished tasks into things we sidestep.

But replying today, even if it is late, is almost always better than continuing to carry it around in your head. A short message is enough; sometimes all it takes to break the cycle is pressing send.